I spent a large part of yesterday afternoon feeling like I was an awful person. I shouldn't have let a conversation go where it went. I have learned from past experiences in this particular situation that every time I let this happen I leave feeling like a horrible person. Everything about me is wrong. Everything I've done is wrong. It makes me feel bad for days. This started earlier in the year. It's not constructive or healthy, but it's something that I currently cannot get out of. Add two not so great auditions into the mix and it's no wonder I left for vacation in a not so great mood. Add on top of that being questioned if I was taking us in the right direction, being told that I was wrong, that everything I was doing was awful. It didn't help me feel any better. This one situation is effecting everything else. Over the summer I made the decision to avoid the whole thing. To focus on what I was doing at work, at home, and just do the best I could. I started to attack my practicing like I was on a mission. A mission to get to where I want to go in terms of performing. Going to my lessons makes me happy. Running makes me happy. Trying to have fun with my students and laughing makes me happy. I like it when they tell me I'm silly.
So, how do we deal with things that bring us down? How do we let something roll off our backs when it continues to hurt over and over again? This morning I went running even though I've been fighting a cold for days. I over dressed for my 6 miles and ended up sweating a lot (my hair was soaked), and it felt soooo good! It was just what I needed. At least until the memory of everything from yesterday comes back. I have some ideas for getting out of this funk. Now I just need to start doing some of them.