The day after

Four months of work came to a conclusion yesterday. Much like getting ready for a major race, there is a lot of build up and anticipation to auditions. Am I really ready? Can I follow my plan? Will I make my goal? Unlike races, the outcome of an audition is only partly in my hands. It's my job to do the best that I can and make a compelling case for myself. The ultimate decision is out of my hands. The committee has to like what they hear, and want to hear more. I have to prove that I am a good fit for the orchestra that I'm auditioning for. The goal, to make it to the next round of the process (most auditions have at least two rounds), and ultimately to win the audition.

The day got off to a rough start. When I woke up I thought I was feeling better, so I laced up my new running shoes and headed out for a short 4 mile run. When I got back I was still feeling okay, although getting rather cold (we later discovered the heat is not working). Feeling cold would shortly lead to chills and eventually my laying on the couch under a blanket staring at the TV. I didn't want to move. Some Advil would eventually get rid of the chills, which were followed by feeling like I was on fire. It wasn't the way I wanted to feel, but it was what I had. Much like the weather on race day it was out of my hands. I had spent four months getting ready for 10 minutes. I had worked so hard, and gotten so much better. I had battled some of my inner demons, and was starting to feel better about myself as a violinist. Before leaving to teach my two students of the day I was in tears. I felt awful, and I needed that to change fast!

Teaching ended up being the best decision. I relaxed, forgot that I was feeling awful, and just had fun with my students. That plus more Advil, and more food made me feel human again. So, when I got to the audition and was asked if I would be willing to go early I a little reluctantly said yes. Two thoughts came into my head. First, I had just taken more Advil and eaten and wasn't running a risk of the fever coming back at the moment. Later might be a different story. Second, they tend to put all of the better players together in the later group. I might have a better chance of advancing out of the first group.

The audition itself was in the opera's orchestra pit in the hall that they use for performances. While that may sound completely overwhelming I actually really like it. The sound is great, and it makes me feel a little bit more at home than just a random room with a great big black curtain hanging right in front of me (because of the pit I never saw the black curtain, it was too high for my line of sight). This group chose not to hear a solo in the first round. Before this would have thrown. This time I was ready. I focused, thought about my tempo, and ignored the fact that my heart was pounding. The result was the best start I've ever had in an audition. I focused on what I heard right out of the violin, not the sound coming back to me from in the hall (although I did catch a bit and have to say it sounded good!). I knew if I started the second excerpt well then I would be home free once I got going. Again I focused on my tempo, was my bow in the right place, and started. It was great! I was so happy with it. I had expected the next excerpt would be heard in the first round. It was the really big, and the most challenging piece in the excerpts. It started great. A few notes were out of tune, but I fixed them as I went along. I was relaxed enough that I could fix them! They choose not to hear the last excerpt. I was disappointed, but they seemed to be racing through the first group. There were a few bells going off in my head, but I thought I had made a pretty good case for myself. In the end no one from the first group was advanced to the second round.

I called my teacher and told him how it went. I was actually very happy despite the frustration of not being advanced. This group is known in town for holding auditions and not filling positions. It was a good experience that will get me ready for the next audition. I celebrated getting better with a cupcake :-). After everything that had happened yesterday I felt pretty good. Now if the heat would just get fixed I might start feeling even better!

Audition week

and que the freak out :-)

In some ways getting ready for an audition is very much like getting ready for a race. Every ache freaks you out. This weekend I was pretty freaked out. I spent most of it with an ice pack on my left wrist while trying to figure out what was bothering it so much. I didn't think I was squeezing, but then I'm nervous, and slightly stressed out too. This morning I got off to a sore pre-practice warm up of scales and started thinking. My shoulder is sore and stiff too. Why is that happening? And then I looked right under my nose to the back side of my violin, and the answer glared right in front of me. The shoulder rest! It had been uncomfortable for a while. Why? Because it need to be adjusted higher (spring weather means no sweaters or high collared shirts...). I felt the difference right away. My wrist is still sore, but everything feels better and more relaxed when I'm playing. I just need to be careful until Wednesday night when the real nerves kick in.

And of course I have another cold. Taking lots of vitamin C, taking some time off of running :(, and getting some extra sleep (I went to bed at 9:30 last night). Just as long as I can run the Big Peach 5k on Saturday. Oh, and do well on my audition :-)

violin & running not so different

Sometimes it's funny to think about how different two things can be only to discover they really aren't that different. It blows my mind sometimes how similar running and playing the violin can be.

• running has the whole barefoot vs. shod (shoes) debate. In violin we have the great bow hold debate, french vs. german (I'm a french girl)
• long and slow are the name of the with weekly long run. Slow is the best way to learn things in music
• want to get faster, add a speed workout to your weekly run schedule. want to play faster. better crack out that metronome and start doing some faster practicing in that music
• breathing right is really helpful
• strength training helps you keep your form for longer
• focusing on form and technique can make you more efficient
• proper nutritution and hydration are important 
• the weeks prior to a race/audition can make you go through every emotion possible (and then some)

A few differences:

• in running you taper your miles before a race so your legs can rest (affectionately know as the taperworm or taper monster). It can bring out our more colorful personality traits. There is no such thing as tapering for auditions or concerts. If anything, there is cramming...
• you can run in just about any kind of weather within reason. violins don't like being outside and react, sometimes violently, to weather changes (I've had pegs shoot across rooms before)
• you can fix things as you go during a marathon. auditions and concerts are like the 100 yard dash. you only get one shot to be perfect

I've got just under 3 weeks till my audition. Last week I was in tears while working on my excerpts. This week I find them oddly relaxing. Go figure. The good news, every excerpt I played today was perfect on the first run through. That's a huge step forward. You only get one shot on audition day.
Oh, and look what jumped into my violin case :)

In search of peace

My violin lessons haven't been going well lately, or at least that's my perception. Of the last four lessons I've had I've cried through two of them. Sometimes I've even gotten defensive, but mostly I'm not enjoying myself. What's going on? I have an audition April 28th that I've been working on since December. No matter how hard I've worked nothing seems to be good enough. As I was leaving my lesson last week my teacher said things were getting better. Thanks, could you mention that before my self-esteem completely tanked? In between sobs on Monday I told him I felt like I wasn't any good (he told me that wasn't true). I'm hard on myself. I have been trained to seek perfection at all times. There is just one problem, perfection as a human is next to impossible. We are imperfect beings. Admittedly my teacher said that his criticism probably isn't helping, but I needed to get my head out of the dark place it's settled. I don't like picking my violin up at the moment. I would rather do almost anything than practice. On Sunday I spent part of the afternoon running around the front yard barefoot while playing fetch with one of the dogs. It was so freeing. All the weight came of my shoulders and I felt like I was a little kid again. It was something I desperately needed.

So, my teacher gave me something to work on. Clearly I am only seeing the negative in my playing. Not so helpful. So, instead I am suppose to make a list of things that I like or do well, and then list what I need to work on.

When my teacher asked what would make me happy I said running barefoot outside. He told me to find that same feeling while I'm playing. We'll find out how that went tonight, because lucky me I get to have two lessons this week...

Snow, Snow, Snow (and finding pretty colors)

The snow has come to Atlanta!!!! I've been as giddy as a school girl since it started, which, while slightly distracting, has been rather helpful. I'm suppose to find pretty colors in my audition excerpts (I am not kidding!). Not the easiest of things since excerpts are a small part of a piece taken out of context. Think of them as a musical quote. Without context it's hard to find shapes and color (colors serve as a way of adding layers and musical interest. In a way it's exactly what it sounds like. Different moods in music bring out different colors associations and phrasing). Not only did I start feeling more secure, but I felt like I was at least starting to find some colors and phrases in the music. I actually felt happy after I finished each excerpt, which is a new feeling. I still expect to be picked apart at my lesson on Monday, but I at least feel like I've caught up to where I was at the end of last week before leaving for Florida. I like being happy when I play. I have to say it was a pretty awesome feeling, and I sound pretty darn good!

And since I'm so giddy over the snow here are some pictures for you to enjoy!

just starting

proof there's just a little bit

okay, so it's more of a muddy, slushy mess than anything

2 hours later 

who threw that snowball at me, and where did it go?

the forest behind the house (okay really there are tennis courts and a golf course back there)

So far I think we have about an inch, and it's still coming down. Hopefully the Team in Training GTS will still happen Saturday morning so we can all go running in the snow!!! Especially now that I finally feel like I'm kicking whatever I came down with after the race Sunday. Hope you're having fun in the snow where ever you are!!! (and the Olympics start tonight!!!!!)

Ready, set, go for audition training

Ah, Richard Strauss you make me go crazy sometimes! I mentioned in my last post that I'm getting ready for an audition. The afore mentioned audition isn't until the end of April, and like most auditions there is Strauss on the menu. Most people know the Strauss waltzes. This isn't the waltz Strauss'. Oh no. This is a Strauss writing at the end of the 19th century when composers were starting to push the boundaries into what we call "20th century" music compositions. For example the one Strauss piece that is almost always on the audition for major orchestras is a tone poem called Don Jaun. It's the war horse orchestral excerpt of the violin world. Thankful I'm not learning that one (although I have). No I'm working on an excerpt from his opera Der Rosenkavalier. Whenever I do the first read though of this I totally freak out. It's taken me a week to really "understand" what is going on in this excerpt. And then I listened to it. It's really lovely, and dramatic, and, well hard. It jumps all over the violin, goes into the highest registers, and has accidentals galore. What's an accidental you ask? It's just what it sounds like, something that doesn't normally belong. But, it's there, and I have to figure it out. I think I've got the 1st page under control now. Too bad it's still painfully under tempo. Ahh, well that's why I'm already working on music for an April audition (besides the fact that there are 10 excerpts to learn. Most auditions only do 4-5). It's like learning to run the 100 yard dash perfectly 10 times in a row and winning every time. No pressure. It has to be perfect. Perfect rhythm, perfect intonation, perfect bow strokes, well you get the point. I'm not perfect. No where close, which is why I struggle with this part of the music world. I wish there was another way to get into an orchestra. I have to say that I really like a lot of the excerpts. They are powerful, dramatic, delicate, passionate, and fun. I think I can do a lot with them. So, for now I'm attempting to be perfect, or at the very least consistent. After all the more consistent I am, the better things will go when I'm standing in front of a giant black sheet shaking, and trying to play perfectly in one try.

Sometimes Progress is Slow

This was a topic that came up a few times with our 16 mile run last Saturday, and as I have come to discover time and time again, it is applicable to my violin playing as well. Last night I had an audition for a local group in Atlanta. I had high hoped for my audition. I had a really good lesson Sunday morning despite being half asleep (let me tell you there is nothing like having someone who plays with one of the top major symphonies in the US tell you that you sound good!). My practicing the past couple of days had been really good and most importantly consistent! A couple of weeks ago I finally started to make a break through with my playing, which was making me feel really good. It seemed like things would finally turn around. I remembered to eat!! However, I still didn't make it past the first round. To be honest, this was not surprising to me. I knew based on what I had done in the audition that it was not as good as what I could have, and have done getting ready for the audition. At least this time I don't want to chuck the violin at a wall! I feel good because I know where I need to go and what I need to work on. So what is that? Well, I think it's two things.

The first thing has started getting better over the past couple of weeks is my bow. I'm getting a more consistent and powerful sound. It's all in how you move your arm, and what muscles you're using. I'm getting there!! It's a good start. I think part of the problem with the audition is that I'm still not confident that the new sound will come out when I play. I was listening to one of the girls that made it to the next round (it wouldn't surprise me if she won, she sounded great), and wanted to sound like her so much. It was such a great, confident, powerful sound. And I knew that my goal was to get my bow under control and become good friends with it.

All of this leads into the second thing, consistency! It's been a long road, and the past couple of days have been super encouraging (not just practicing, but also from great friends!). See, I got injured in high school and had to stop playing for a while. I had a series of teachers who got very frustrated with me, and were not encouraging. Most of the time was I told I shouldn't be a violinist. All I have to say about all of that is that if you don't actually teach me how to do something I'm not going to be able to do it. And as always assuming that someone else has taught it to me is a mistake! Fortunately, I've had some pretty great teachers over the past 8 years, and through process have completely relearned how to play the violin. See no one has ever stressed consistency. Now I'm learning how important it is, and what it can do for me in situations like auditions. I'm getting there!! So next time people better watch out! I'm throwing down the gloves to do some pretty serious work, and I'm not stopping until I get what I want!!

The bow is the boss

I noticed something written across the top of several of my excerpts this morning: "the bow is the boss." It's funny how backwards that seems to me, but when you really think about it, it's true. The only way I can go faster is for the bow to move faster. So, what does that I mean for my poor fingers on my right hand? Well let's just say there isn't any smoke yet, but we're pretty darn close. They have to move lightening fast to keep up with the bow, because the only way for things to sound right is if the finger is going down before the bow moves.

I'm currently in full freak out mode over my audition. Every time I play something I'm analyzing how I can make it better, or if it was good enough for an audition. Searching for perfection is exhausting. And there are only 7 days left before I play it all in front of a giant black screen. Yeah, I'm freaking out when I think about it, but I'm working on focusing on what I'm doing one excerpt at a time. I can't freak out while I'm playing!! Hopefully my runs will help calm me down some. At the very least I'll wear myself out so that I'll at least sleep well (we're running 16 miles on Saturday). Oh, and I guess i should mention I dropped out of the second audition (can you imagine how much more I would be freaking out if I had 2 auditions right now?). I'm okay with it. I would rather doing really well on one then do two really bad auditions. However, there are only 7 days left...

Balance

I feel incredibly stressed out and tired. What in the world was I thinking?? It's hard enough training for a marathon as a violinist, but I signed up for 2 auditions that are the first week in September. What was I thinking??

It's hard being a violinist and a runner at the same time. Playing the violin is so physically demanding. Everything is moving a thousand miles a minute in so many different directions all at the same time (I tell my students that they are going to be really good at multi-tasking when they grow up). Usually I practice 3-4 hours a day 5-6 days a week. Throw in another 3-4 hours of teaching 4 days a week and that's a lot of violin playing. Then there are rehearsals, and my own private lesson (yes, after 2 music degrees I still take private lessons). It's exhausting!! Some days my fingers are so tired when I'm done playing that I can't move them any more. And sometimes I'm so tired and frustrated because I need to practice more that everything just to a halt because I cannot physically take it any more. Getting ready for an audition, and I hate to say this, is even worse. Everything has to be perfect every time you play it. Every note has to be perfectly in tune, in the right rhythm, which has to be exact to the smallest subdivision of the beat, and if you're just a fraction off you can kiss all of your dreams and work good-bye. I usually spend at least 2 months doing this for each audition. That's hundreds of hours of practicing that for an audition that last less than 5 minutes. My teacher calls it the 100 yard dash. Great, I run marathons. I use to sprint all of the time. I loved it!! You feel like you're just flying at top speed and nothing can stop you. I don't feel like that in an audition. Now I've had some pretty good auditions, but not recently. I don't know if it's being so tired from training (our 16 mile run happens 3 days before my 1st audition of the week. I was so wiped out from running 14 miles Saturday after overheating that I slept most of the afternoon. I can't do that after the 16 miler.), or from trying to be the perfect daughter (I do a lot to take care of my parents), or from millions of other things that only I seem to be able to do, whether it's at work or else where. I feel like I'm failing at a lot of things all at the same time.

I think the biggest part of my frustration comes from my second audition. It took them a month to decide on a date, which ended up being the same week as the other big audition in town (they should have known about it!!), plus they don't have any place to hold the audition yet. It's so frustrating. On top of that the music is hard to read and I just can't seem to get it big enough to read the chicken scratch that hand written manuscripts are. The first audition has these nice laid out excerpts from movements or acts. The second audition, well it looks like they couldn't decide what to do, so instead of excerpts we have whole movements to learn. I don't have the time or sanity to learn all of this stuff, and I'm very quickly loosing it :(

I have a lot to get done before my lesson Monday evening. I never feel like I get where I want to each week. If I could just take care of myself I think things would be easier. We had a great lesson at church today on balance. Balance between serving others and taking care of ourselves. Balance between being a hostess & just being with the people you're serving (the story of Mary & Martha from Luke 10). Balance. I don't have a lot of balance at the moment. I feel like I serve everyone except me. I need to stop and breathe and find balance. How? I don't know. For right now I'm turning the air conditioning down and launching myself into endless hours of scales, arpeggios, orchestral excerpts, and concerto movements. Maybe taking a few breathes and going through things one step at a time will help. The pressure to always be perfect is hard, and draining. And there are still over 2 weeks to go...

Running lessons

Oh the things I learned this morning on my run. Let me count them =). I decided to go ahead and get my long run for the week out of my way since I’m off to D.C to visit family and friends this weekend. So, I got up at 5:45am to run my 8 miles. I learned a lot this morning. For instance:

1. You can’t see fog in the dark. A slight problem because it was really dark, and I apparently was running to fast in the fog I couldn’t see.
2. Apparently Cardiac Hill is easier to run up after you have run up the hill on Jett Road (I can’t believe I just said that Cardiac hill was easy. What am I thinking…)
3. My favorite flavor of Nuun is citrus fruit (check it out at www.nuun.com)

Now the rest of the day is for taking my car out to get the sunroof fixed (grrr, storms + rotting tree branch = hole in wallet), and practicing for auditions, which I have to say is going really well. Only problem is that I’m not going to be able to practice for 5 days and I have a lesson a week from Tuesday. I can do this!!!! Oh, and I’m really trying not to go running in my new shoes. It’s so hard!!!! I could tell on my run this morning how badly I need the higher arch supports. It just means my runs after I start using them are going to be wonderful!!

Green Monsters & Practicing

So, today was the first day of practicing since falling last Tuesday. I was very nervous to say the least. I kept going back in my mind and trying to think did I feel something pop? Maybe it really did break and maybe that's why it bothers me from time to time. So when I picked up my violin this morning I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I figured it would be a little difficult since I've been having trouble just stretching my hand out, and it was a little tricky to start with, but then things started to warm up. I didn't do anything really hard, just some scales, shifting exercises, and the easier audition excerpts (like Magic Flute, the Marriage of Figaro, and Turnadaut are easy). I can't go as fast as a need too, but I can play, and they sound better than I thought they would.

As a reward I thought I would try a smoothie I've been reading about in a couple of the blogs I like to look at (Eat, Live, Run, Oh She Glows, and Green Monster Movement). It's called the Green Monster. How's that for a name?! If that doesn't get you here are the ingredients: milk, ice, banana, ground flax seed, and spinach. Yeah, that's right spinach. I wasn't sure what I thought when I first read that too. How could a spinach smoothie taste good (it would also be where the name green monster comes from the green color of spinach). I have to say it was pretty yummy. I just made the basic recipe. I'm not sure if I put enough spinach and I just eyeballed the rest of the ingredients, but it made a really good snack along with 1/2 of a peanut butter and honey sandwich while watching "The Spirit of the Marathon"! (totally made me exited for Nike in October) It's definitely something I'll try again! Maybe I'll try some of the other recipes on the Green Monster website...