Spazzing

I think I might be going crazy. Okay, maybe I should say I feel like I'm going crazier since I'm already a little bit crazy. I feel like I'm spinning in circles with no end in sight. Between training, practicing, teaching lessons, fundraising, and helping out my parents there never seems to a minute free. It's part of the reason I haven't written in a bit.

• I had been working really hard on some things while I've been practicing. There are two pieces that I am suppose to memorize and I'm having the hardest time getting it done. It's dawned on me that part of the reason is that I'm so stressed out about them. Well, apparently I missed a few other things. My first lesson in three weeks was yesterday, and I got frustrated that things were not as good as I thought they were. I want to be pushed so that I can continue to get better. I wouldn't pay several hundreds of dollars a month if I didn't feel that way. I was tired, and speaking emphatically was only making me more frustrated because I didn't understand. It didn't help anything else go well yesterday
• I had to open up another day to teach lessons start in the fall because my schedule is finally full! Yay for more work! The problem is that I am now swamped at a rather crazy time. And then there's the bit about rescheduling Thursday students that I didn't originally have when I started accepting orchestra jobs. Never a dull moment!
• I don't think I've ever trained for a race with this much purpose or intensity. I always train for the races I run, but this one is different. I'm logging more miles than ever before with all the running and crossing training, and logging several strength training workouts a week. It's making me very hungry, and very tired. I always forget how tired I get when the mileage starts getting really high in the peak training weeks. It almost always affects my violin playing because I'm so tired it's harder to get the practicing I need in, and I tend to miss things that only end up making my violin lessons frustrating. Getting up at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning to try and avoid some of the heat is wearing me out...
• To help with fundraising I've been working at the consession stand that Team in Training Georgia works at the Braves games. While it's helping me reach my fundraising goal it's also an extra 8 hours a game on my feet, which makes training challenging (thank goodness for cross training!!). It is also a job within itself. But I'm within a $1000 of my goal!

Sorry, it's not a very interesting post. Things are kind of crazy, and there never seems to be enough time at the moment. Hopefully I'll have more exciting things down the road!

Overwhelmed and frustrated

Right now I have ice on my shoulder and wrapped around my left wrist. Things were going pretty well earlier in the week. I finally found the right spot for my chin rest so I can hold my violin without messing up my shoulder. It also means I can get around the fingerboard much easier, which means I play better. Things were sounding really good. And the came Friday. I put an IKEA bookcase together and apparently did in my left shoulder and wrist. I couldn't play at all on Friday. It still hurt yesterday, but I practiced anyway. I felt like if I called and canceled my lesson I would be in big trouble. Today I was doing okay. Still a little sore but getting around. I'm pushing myself. I know what I'm doing is wrong. My lesson last week didn't go well. I feel like everything is suppose to be up to tempo, and perfect. I can't seem to get there, and it's making me very frustrated and inpatient. It makes me feel like I'm never going to get to where I want to go. I've messed my left wrist up pretty bad before. It took 4 months of PT to be pain free after a serve tendon strain. My doctor thought it was tendonitis, the hand specialist he referred me to rolled her eyes. I know that I shouldn't be playing when it hurts.

So, I've stopped, which is incredibly frustrating because I have so much to do. But I know that I'm never even going to get to the audition if I don't stop and take care of things. I'm sure tomorrow's lesson is not going to be great, but I can't help that or worry about it right now.

I'm going to take the dogs for another walk, make some white bean chicken chili for dinner, and wish I had a chocolate cupcake instead

Consistency

Yes, it's the dreaded word of consistency :). Well, maybe not so dreaded. I've found that it actually has helped a lot in my violin playing. Why couldn't I have discovered that sooner? It's something that I work on trying to teach all of my students. Some get it better than others. It's teaching them to go slow and make sure that things are right before speeding up. Unfortunately kids only have one speed, fast (or maybe 2 speeds and the other one is faster).

My violin teacher said something to me that made me very happy yesterday. He said I was getting more and more consistent every week. I never realized what a huge difference it makes in playing. A difference in sound, intonation, and confidence. When people asked me if I was any good before I kind of himmed and shrugged an I guess so. Now I know I sound good! I wish all of the contractors and personal managers knew the same thing! Getting some freelance jobs would send my confidence through the roof right now! (know of anyone who needs a violinist? :) )

I've always been one to stick to a schedule. I do the same thing almost everyday at the same time. Get up, go running, eat breakfast, take a shower, practice, lunch, more practicing, teach private lessons, eat, wind down, and finally go to bed. It's just the way I work. Imagine what happens when you apply the same consistency to your job, or in my case my violin technique. Making sure that everything is working right every time, and if it doesn't find out why and fix it. My teachers calls it adjusting instead of reacting, and it's certainly helped a lot. I'm actually looking forward to the next time I have an audition because I know that things are consistently starting to work for me, and that's the only way I'm going to land one of my dream jobs. The slow down in the economy has been frustrating, but it's given me more time to focus on things and make them right the first time instead of putting them off and trying to fix them later. All that leads to is disappointment, frustration, a lack of confidence.

Do you have something you do to help you be consistent? Has it made a difference?

Monsoon Season in Atlanta

Well if you're turned your TV on today you've probably heard that it's raining in Atlanta. Point of fact, it's been raining for 6 days straight now! While several friends have been joking about building arks it's getting to the point that it's just crazy. Schools are closing because of pipes breaking, people are losing power because of down trees, and even the interstates are flooding making it difficult to get anywhere.

All of this comes to at the beginning of our biggest training week, the week we run our 20 mile long run. I can't tell you how many little prayers I've put up hoping that the rain will stop or at least slow down enough that I can get my runs in this week. I don't mind running in the raining, but the storms this morning have been down right dangerous, and that makes me a little nervous. And to be completely truthful it would be nice to only be wet from sweating for a change and not rain, but if I have to, I do all my runs in the rain this week. I don't any other choice since I killed the treadmill 2 years ago (it wasn't replaced). I have to say though, for the first time ever, I am looking forward to the 20 mile run. I have been running better than I ever had. I ran in the entire 18 mile route except for a tiny bit at the end to help a teammate up the final hill (way to go Susan!!). It felt awesome, and it felt even better to look at my watch and see that despite what felt like a slow pace (it's about effort not pace!) my running time was 3 hours 16 minutes. Now I took time at water stops to make sure that everyone in the middle of the group was ahead of me (the mentors get weekly assignments to run with a certain part of the group), so I was out on the course for longer, but it was such a confidence booster!

To be honest again, my practicing has not been as focused the past couple of days either. I'm tired, which is probably more from running than anything else. It doesn't make practicing any easier though. Things that frustrate me while practicing seems to drive me nuts a little bit more when I'm tired. Like e-flat arpeggios. I don't recommend them when you're tired! They are slowly driving me batty. I think there are still positive things though. My teacher challenged me to start figuring out what I like about my playing. It's something I haven't thought of before because most of the time when I taking lessons the teacher is always telling me what I'm not doing right. I don't know what I do well, and there have been a lot of things going on lately that have made me feel like there isn't anything that I do "right." So, here goes. I really am starting to like my sound, especially when I've been working on my solo Bach this week. I have really good posture (got to love yoga & running), and my left hand is pretty darn good. I feel like I still have a lot of work to get to where I want to go. I need to make sure that I don't equate my self worthy with the lack of jobs or students that I have. I don't have any freelancing jobs at the moment, and to say that my student number is low is an understatement right now. The recession has been incredibly tough. I hope that changes soon, but I don't know that it will. I hope I'm wrong! But for now it's time to practice and stay dry! Monsoon season continues for at least another 2 days (although rain is forecasted for the rest of the week...)

Does Muscle Memory really exist?

Ah, fall is in the air!!! Unfortunately, so are the fall pollens. One day I will be able to breathe again. Fortunately it didn't bother me too much during my weekday runs. I discovered something very interesting yesterday on my 10 mile run, I like hills! Yes, I know how crazy it sounds, but I actually found myself looking forward to the uphill climb, and let me tell you, they don't call my neighborhood Collier Hills for nothing! It's making me feel much better about tackling the hill on the Nike course. Everything keeps telling me that I'm crazy for running in San Francisco with all of their hills, but honestly, I think Atlanta may be one of the best places to train. Plus we're tackling the Johnson Ferry hill out on the river again this Saturday. I think I'll be ready.

My legs actually feel soooo much better than they did last week. I started getting really large knots in my calves especially in my left leg. So, I bit the bullet and got new orthotics for my every day shoes. I've liked the ones I got for my running shoes last month, so I went ahead and got the same brand for my casual shoes too. They're awesome. The brand is called Aetrex Lynco orthotics (www.aetrex.com). They've made a huge difference!!!! The knots are gone, and my knee and hip feel sooo much better. I can't recommend them enough! If you need orthotics you should definitely check them out. You can find the sports ones at the Big Peach Running Co. (www.bigpeachrunningco.com) or at the Walking Store.

Practicing has been very interesting this week. I've been kind of mad at myself for not getting my act together sooner and doing better on my audition. There's nothing I can do about it now, but I change for the future, which is what the plan is. I'm starting to wonder if the idea of muscle memory isn't just made up. Who came up with this idea? Whenever I try and follow it I just end up back in the land of mediocrity. I don't like being there, and I've started paying a lot more attention to things. I can't doing anything based on feel anymore. The more I listen the more I realize that "muscle memory" is letting me down. Plus most of the time when something sounds good it's feels really strange. So, I'm reprogramming myself to go off of sound and not feel. We'll see how this little experiment goes after I have my next lesson. Until then it's back to the practice room...

Sometimes Progress is Slow

This was a topic that came up a few times with our 16 mile run last Saturday, and as I have come to discover time and time again, it is applicable to my violin playing as well. Last night I had an audition for a local group in Atlanta. I had high hoped for my audition. I had a really good lesson Sunday morning despite being half asleep (let me tell you there is nothing like having someone who plays with one of the top major symphonies in the US tell you that you sound good!). My practicing the past couple of days had been really good and most importantly consistent! A couple of weeks ago I finally started to make a break through with my playing, which was making me feel really good. It seemed like things would finally turn around. I remembered to eat!! However, I still didn't make it past the first round. To be honest, this was not surprising to me. I knew based on what I had done in the audition that it was not as good as what I could have, and have done getting ready for the audition. At least this time I don't want to chuck the violin at a wall! I feel good because I know where I need to go and what I need to work on. So what is that? Well, I think it's two things.

The first thing has started getting better over the past couple of weeks is my bow. I'm getting a more consistent and powerful sound. It's all in how you move your arm, and what muscles you're using. I'm getting there!! It's a good start. I think part of the problem with the audition is that I'm still not confident that the new sound will come out when I play. I was listening to one of the girls that made it to the next round (it wouldn't surprise me if she won, she sounded great), and wanted to sound like her so much. It was such a great, confident, powerful sound. And I knew that my goal was to get my bow under control and become good friends with it.

All of this leads into the second thing, consistency! It's been a long road, and the past couple of days have been super encouraging (not just practicing, but also from great friends!). See, I got injured in high school and had to stop playing for a while. I had a series of teachers who got very frustrated with me, and were not encouraging. Most of the time was I told I shouldn't be a violinist. All I have to say about all of that is that if you don't actually teach me how to do something I'm not going to be able to do it. And as always assuming that someone else has taught it to me is a mistake! Fortunately, I've had some pretty great teachers over the past 8 years, and through process have completely relearned how to play the violin. See no one has ever stressed consistency. Now I'm learning how important it is, and what it can do for me in situations like auditions. I'm getting there!! So next time people better watch out! I'm throwing down the gloves to do some pretty serious work, and I'm not stopping until I get what I want!!

Green Monsters & Practicing

So, today was the first day of practicing since falling last Tuesday. I was very nervous to say the least. I kept going back in my mind and trying to think did I feel something pop? Maybe it really did break and maybe that's why it bothers me from time to time. So when I picked up my violin this morning I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I figured it would be a little difficult since I've been having trouble just stretching my hand out, and it was a little tricky to start with, but then things started to warm up. I didn't do anything really hard, just some scales, shifting exercises, and the easier audition excerpts (like Magic Flute, the Marriage of Figaro, and Turnadaut are easy). I can't go as fast as a need too, but I can play, and they sound better than I thought they would.

As a reward I thought I would try a smoothie I've been reading about in a couple of the blogs I like to look at (Eat, Live, Run, Oh She Glows, and Green Monster Movement). It's called the Green Monster. How's that for a name?! If that doesn't get you here are the ingredients: milk, ice, banana, ground flax seed, and spinach. Yeah, that's right spinach. I wasn't sure what I thought when I first read that too. How could a spinach smoothie taste good (it would also be where the name green monster comes from the green color of spinach). I have to say it was pretty yummy. I just made the basic recipe. I'm not sure if I put enough spinach and I just eyeballed the rest of the ingredients, but it made a really good snack along with 1/2 of a peanut butter and honey sandwich while watching "The Spirit of the Marathon"! (totally made me exited for Nike in October) It's definitely something I'll try again! Maybe I'll try some of the other recipes on the Green Monster website...