In search of peace

My violin lessons haven't been going well lately, or at least that's my perception. Of the last four lessons I've had I've cried through two of them. Sometimes I've even gotten defensive, but mostly I'm not enjoying myself. What's going on? I have an audition April 28th that I've been working on since December. No matter how hard I've worked nothing seems to be good enough. As I was leaving my lesson last week my teacher said things were getting better. Thanks, could you mention that before my self-esteem completely tanked? In between sobs on Monday I told him I felt like I wasn't any good (he told me that wasn't true). I'm hard on myself. I have been trained to seek perfection at all times. There is just one problem, perfection as a human is next to impossible. We are imperfect beings. Admittedly my teacher said that his criticism probably isn't helping, but I needed to get my head out of the dark place it's settled. I don't like picking my violin up at the moment. I would rather do almost anything than practice. On Sunday I spent part of the afternoon running around the front yard barefoot while playing fetch with one of the dogs. It was so freeing. All the weight came of my shoulders and I felt like I was a little kid again. It was something I desperately needed.

So, my teacher gave me something to work on. Clearly I am only seeing the negative in my playing. Not so helpful. So, instead I am suppose to make a list of things that I like or do well, and then list what I need to work on.

When my teacher asked what would make me happy I said running barefoot outside. He told me to find that same feeling while I'm playing. We'll find out how that went tonight, because lucky me I get to have two lessons this week...